It’s 2019! Phew!

I got through the holiday season without resorting to purging! I think it’s been 2 years since I’ve ever done that. As most people with eating disorders would agree, the holiday season brings on extra anxiety. So many parties, dinners, treats, all around. ALL THE TIME. For MONTHS. It makes one want to isolate. Make excuses why you can’t attend a party or if you really have to, sometimes you end up resorting to purging after the party because you feel such guilt over the bad food you ate. I’ve been trying to wrap my brain around the fact that there is no good or bad foods. It’s just food. It can’t be so black and white. And it makes sense that every food has a different value to it and that eating a variety to get a good mix of all the different values is what is important. But then for some reason I still panic and feel guilty when I eat them. I still panic when I eat out at a restaurant. I still want to fix it by purging and exercising. But somehow, by miracles I assume, I never ended up purging. Sometimes, when I was feeling emotional, I’d plan the binge and purge and then I’d binge and not end up purging. The other day when this happened, I actually grew so tired after a binge that I could hardly even find the energy to brush my teeth before going to bed. I really can’t explain it! But I’m so grateful! Because now, finally, the new year is here and the parties will slow and regular life will return. It’s such a relief! I really do love the holiday season for its other reasons, but the food culture attached to it is definitely not a favorite part of it. I know I need to work at that and really have been challenging myself to eat some of these fear foods and sit with it. And it has been so so hard! But it isn’t impossible. I am proof of that! It just takes a lot of mental determination and practice. I’m also realizing that my emotional state plays a huge part. When I’m upset, depressed, lonely, I tend to want to let go of any hope of recovery. I tend to want to hurt myself. And I’ve been trying to find better coping skills and outlets and it has helped so much. That and talking with friends about how I’m doing and how I’m feeling. Lately I’ve been upset with myself as I have realized that it has now been 8 years of looking for recovery. Eight freaking years and I’m still struggling to stay in recovery. Still failing at it. Still falling down. But I still keep getting up and trying again, Because I can’t give up. I have too many reasons to keep trying. So, I will. THIS IS RECOVERY.