Ugh.

So, I’ve been challenging myself to eat over 1200 calories and to eat some of my fear foods. Overall I’d been doing pretty good with the trying fear foods. It’s not great, but I’m managing to do it every now and then and managing the thoughts that come after for the most part. The eating more than 1200 calories thing has been really hard. That part seems to be deeply rooted. I truly don’t trust that my body will maintain its current weight if I eat more than that. I know that every single dietician says I’m in starvation mode and that my body needs more, especially for how active I am. But I still have such fears that I will start gaining weight and it will get out of control. I’ve been there before and I can’t go back. I was so so miserable. How do I be brave enough to trust in my body? I already have hypothyroidism so it already doesn’t have a great metabolism. How can I trust it when its already under functioning? Another thing I have been told is that every body has a natural set point where it wants to be. And that scares the crap out of me. What if my natural set point is not what I’m comfortable being? I know that the health at every size thing is being pushed like crazy and I applaud it. I do. I just can’t imagine myself ever being okay with being bigger than I am right now. Especially when I’m not in love with what I am right now. I don’t know what my natural set point is and I don’t want to find out unless it’s a guarantee that I wouldn’t get bigger. After getting all of this out, I will say that I know I can’t heal from my ED if I don’t challenge myself and my fears. And so, in spite of my fears, I’m still trying to trust the experts. I don’t trust my body but I am still trying to put trust in what everybody else is saying. So, I’m challenging myself and have found some success at times and well, sometimes I fail. I have had more success than failure at least. But man, failure really sucks and seems to affect me negatively more than the success affects me positively. I totally crashed and burned yesterday. I had written how I felt like I needed to just make it through the holidays and I did and that was awesome! And then yesterday I decided to challenge myself and eat some things that I was uncomfortable with. We went to visit my in-laws and of course, they had rice crispy treats, brownies, cookies, ice cream and chips and salsa out for snacks. I stayed away for quite awhile but then decided I could challenge myself. My hands shook as I dished up a few cookies and some chips and salsa. I tried to eat with awareness. And at first it was hard to even go through the motions. ED was really upset with it but I kept pushing. And after awhile it was like a switch flipped and I went back for more and quickly ate it. After I had finished I was suddenly overwhelmed as I thought about how much I had eaten and what I had eaten. I was disgusted with myself. All I could think about was fixing it. So, I once again snuck upstairs and purged. And I felt such relief. The thoughts quieted and I was at peace for a moment as I just felt numb. But as usual, that numbness only lasted me a few hours and wore off. Then I became upset with myself for screwing up again. Upset for being so weak. Upset for losing control. I don’t really know why I went back for more! All I can think is that I have had some emotions that have been bugging me and the food helped numb it for a minute and maybe I just wanted that more than I wanted to succeed at this. I don’t know. But, I know that just cuz I slipped and fell once doesn’t mean that I can’t get right back up. So, today I’m trying really hard to be careful with how I’m feeling and what and why I’m eating. I need to do lots of self care in order to not continue with this pattern. I don’t plan on a full blown relapse. But I didn’t plan on slipping either! I know its a possibility and I need to do all I can to pull out of this before I sink deeper. Ugh. Today is a new day. And so is tomorrow and the next. I’ve still got lots to learn. THIS IS RECOVERY!

It’s 2019! Phew!

I got through the holiday season without resorting to purging! I think it’s been 2 years since I’ve ever done that. As most people with eating disorders would agree, the holiday season brings on extra anxiety. So many parties, dinners, treats, all around. ALL THE TIME. For MONTHS. It makes one want to isolate. Make excuses why you can’t attend a party or if you really have to, sometimes you end up resorting to purging after the party because you feel such guilt over the bad food you ate. I’ve been trying to wrap my brain around the fact that there is no good or bad foods. It’s just food. It can’t be so black and white. And it makes sense that every food has a different value to it and that eating a variety to get a good mix of all the different values is what is important. But then for some reason I still panic and feel guilty when I eat them. I still panic when I eat out at a restaurant. I still want to fix it by purging and exercising. But somehow, by miracles I assume, I never ended up purging. Sometimes, when I was feeling emotional, I’d plan the binge and purge and then I’d binge and not end up purging. The other day when this happened, I actually grew so tired after a binge that I could hardly even find the energy to brush my teeth before going to bed. I really can’t explain it! But I’m so grateful! Because now, finally, the new year is here and the parties will slow and regular life will return. It’s such a relief! I really do love the holiday season for its other reasons, but the food culture attached to it is definitely not a favorite part of it. I know I need to work at that and really have been challenging myself to eat some of these fear foods and sit with it. And it has been so so hard! But it isn’t impossible. I am proof of that! It just takes a lot of mental determination and practice. I’m also realizing that my emotional state plays a huge part. When I’m upset, depressed, lonely, I tend to want to let go of any hope of recovery. I tend to want to hurt myself. And I’ve been trying to find better coping skills and outlets and it has helped so much. That and talking with friends about how I’m doing and how I’m feeling. Lately I’ve been upset with myself as I have realized that it has now been 8 years of looking for recovery. Eight freaking years and I’m still struggling to stay in recovery. Still failing at it. Still falling down. But I still keep getting up and trying again, Because I can’t give up. I have too many reasons to keep trying. So, I will. THIS IS RECOVERY.

ED Rules and Fear Foods

A friend inspired me to write down my ED rules that I feel I must follow and my fear foods. So, in no real order of importance here they are.

Rules that ED gets upset over if I break them.

Must exercise at least 30 mins a day but the more the better.

It’s not really considered exercise if I don’t get sweaty.

Weigh yourself at least once a week.

Use little to none sauces on food to cut calories.

Hold off on eating in the morning as long as possible.

Chew gum if craving something.

Avoid carbs- especially white carbs

Avoid sugar

Avoid greasy foods

Avoid high fat foods

Can’t eat over 1200 calories a day.

Only eat half of what is on your plate

Don’t eat after 7pm

Eating out is unhealthy

Don’t eat more than those you are eating with

Talk a lot while eating to space out bites further and feel full sooner

Never drink your calories, except milk. Milk is okay.

A protein bar is a meal. A protein shake is a meal.

 

 

Fear foods

pizza

pasta

mexican

chineese

cake

cookies

candy

white breads

icecream

donuts

cheese

muffins

biscuits

regular jello

regular pudding

jams

jellies

These are things I will be working on. Becoming comfortable with eating my fear foods and keeping them down and figuring out why I have these rules and getting rid of them. It’s gonna be hard. Lots of these fear foods I have a huge history of bingeing and purging with and now I avoid them because of how it triggers me to want to purge if I eat them. But I’m gonna keep pushing to break these rules and face my fears. I know it’s possible because I used to have way more rules and way more fear foods and I have improved. I hope to come back later and see that I can check a few of these off. So, yeah. THIS IS RECOVERY!

 

 

 

 

Finding strength

Last night at volleyball I did something that I haven’t been able to do for a long time. You see, my friends there love to bring all sorts of sweets to snack on while playing. They are free for all to share. Since I’m the one who makes volleyball happen each week, they always tell me they brought the treats for me. And even though I know that I never feel good about eating it, and usually end up bingeing on it and wanting to purge, I still struggle with staying away. It calls to me. And I find myself wanting to binge on it and purge. It’s so easy to sneak away to the private church bathroom and purge. I run through how I could enjoy stuffing myself and then quickly fix it without anybody knowing. I begin to just crave it and the more I refuse the louder the ED thoughts get. I feel like a crazy person half the time trying to ignore the thoughts and trying to pay attention to the game going on around me. But, I’m so happy to say that I pulled through and got myself in the right frame of mind. I’m not really sure how I did it, but I know I probably wouldn’t have done it without help. I have a friend that is seemingly becoming a pretty close friend that I met at soccer over the summer. It turns out that we know a lot of the same people and I ended up inviting her to join my volleyball group. She is always smiling and has like the best laugh ever. Like I can’t not smile when I hear it and she laughs often so being around her makes me happy.  Actually, everybody else at volleyball has said they love it when she’s there too. She’s just easy to connect to. And even though I’ve had some trust issues with making new friends ever since my very toxic friend from years ago, I decided that I can’t let that experience make decisions for me. And I feel like as adults sometimes we make this friendship thing so awkward. Like as kids we could just say “I like you, want to play?” And boom, new friends. So, I went with that approach! One night we were talking and joking at the end of volleyball and after we headed home, I texted her and told her that I liked her and we should be friends. I knew it would make her laugh. When she found out I was having surgery on my ankle she would text to check up on me and asked how I was doing several times. And she even volunteered to open up the building and be in charge of volleyball for me while I was recovering. I was kinda baffled that with hardly knowing me she seemed to care so much and wanted to help. At some point we’ve shared things about ourselves- she has a dog, I have an eating disorder…….. 😂😂 But not once have I felt judged or looked down upon by her once I told her. She is also an intuitive eater. Like, I’m amazed because I’ve never met someone so in tune with what their body needs and what she really wants. And I hope she rubs off on me a bit. After I was telling her about a recent struggle, she offered to help support me however she can. So last night when that candy was really calling my name all I had to do is make eye contact and motion to her that I wanted some and she simply asked me how much I had had and I motioned that I hadn’t had any and then it wasn’t like she told me that I couldn’t have any, she would have handed me some had I asked again, but suddenly I just felt like I really didn’t want any because I knew how it was gonna turn out and I just turned and walked away. And the ED thoughts and voices got quieter after that. It sounds so simple. But it really wasn’t. I hope that this is one of many small victories to come for me. One for sure victory was meeting my new friend who wants to support me in recovery. THIS IS RECOVERY

It’s been over a year….

I can’t believe its been over a year since I posted last. I wasn’t in a good place the last time I posted. I had just broken my ankle and, well, things kinda went downhill from there. I tried to make the best of it. A friend borrowed me a knee scooter to use at home to help with getting around with 1 year old babies that want to both be held at the same time. I ended up scooting a 5k race with my family a week or so later. It was way harder that being able to run it. But, I didn’t want to be left out and had already signed up for it. Then, 2 weeks after my crash, my son crashed on my motorcycle while riding it at a family reunion and broke his elbow and had to have surgery. You couldn’t believe the looks as I crutched into the same instacare and had to tell the same doctor that now my son had just crashed on my motorcycle. Isn’t life just crazy like that? I spent a night with him in the hospital after surgery and I was becoming so tired of all the comments by nurses that we should get rid of the motorcycles. With the stress of me on crutches and taking care of my son, I knew I had to plow through each day the best I could. And I was determined to fight ED as best as I could. I tried to remain positive. But it was hard. My house was becoming more and more dirty, the lawn and garden were growing wild with no care. The kids and the hubby helped where they could but things were slowly falling apart and it killed me to not be able to do it. And after my next checkup at 4 weeks it still wasn’t healed enough to put weight on it. I became increasingly antsy and depressed. And I was turning to food for comfort. My clothes became tighter and I was becoming increasingly more aware of the weight gain that was happening. I think it was about 6 or 7 weeks in that I was finally able to put weight on it and ditched the crutches but was still stuck in the walking boot. Just after 8 weeks I was finally given the go ahead to take the boot off and start back at running and sports slowly. But, in all honesty, there was nothing slow about it. I taped my ankle when needed and jumped right back in.  I was so anxious to get moving. I had gained almost 15 pounds and all I could think about was getting back into shape. And it was hard for me with how slow I ran and how much fitness I had lost. And over the next couple months even though I was becoming more active, I wasn’t losing the weight. So, I joined the weight loss group again. And cut calories and made sure I was burning more than taking in. I wasn’t starving myself. I was sticking to 1200 calories a day and working out or playing sports lots. And over the next couple months I was dropping weight so quick. And it felt amazing. I was gettting that control back and was becoming happier with my body. People starting telling me how fit I was and I felt like I was just in such a good place. Christmas went by without much of a problem for me. I was so into cutting sugar and sweets at the moment that I didn’t struggle much. It was just easy to stay away from. Because, I was going to win theses weight loss challenges.  My son was also now fully recovered from his surgery and was back to being active too. By February and March I was suddenly running faster than I ever had. Averaging around 8 min miles. And it was so awesome! I was excited for my upcoming races. Ready to PR. And apparently had dropped so much weight that I was confronted by a friend in the ward that asked if I was doing okay because I was “half the size I used to be.” I told her I was actually doing really great. And I really did feel great. I felt so in control of things. I might have been training super hard. But it didn’t seem excessive to me. Then, in April, my husband drove his motorcycle off a 4 foot ledge and was injured badly. He broke 6 bones, 2 ribs, the upper part of the humerus and the ulna in the elbow joint, his femur, and tibia. All on the left side of the body. And then he tore the ACL’ s in both knees. He immediately had surgery to put a plate and 9 screws in the elbow to hold it together. 6 weeks after that he had surgery on the left knee to fix the ACL, and the 6 weeks after that he had surgery to fix the right knee ACL. In between all that I was still happily running, but had noticed a bump starting to form on my left ankle. It was right where the tongue of my shoes were and it was really starting to irritate and hurt. But because I was so involved and busy with caring for my recovering husband, I ignored it. The bump got larger and was causing pain and numbness and finally couldn’t be ignored anymore. I went to a doc and as I had thought, it was a cyst. And the only way to remove it was surgery. So, just a week or so after my husband had his last knee surgery, I went in for surgery on my ankle. It was supposed to be a quick, recover over the weekend, no hassle surgery. But instead, nothing went right. I reacted to the anesthesia and had a hard time breathing and my heart rate and blood pressure dropped and then when the intubated me and got me stable, the doc cut in to get the cyst out and found a tumor in my ankle under the cyst. He had to go deeper and cut wider and mess with some nerves to remove it. I ended up in lots of pain, and because I have adverse reactions to taking narcotics, I just had to live with the pain. I ended up on crutches for a week before I could stand to put weight on it. And I was having daily anxiety attacks while waiting to see if the tumor that was removed came back cancer free or not. Luckily, it was not cancer. Just a mass of tissue that grew there for some reason. I struggled to follow the medical advice to rest even though I was dealing with nerve pain and random numbness. I kept fighting it and would try to be active but the way it would hurt would scare me into quitting for awhile. The problem with this was I was also scared of gaining weight too. I felt like nothing in my life was going right and I had no control. And I started to fall back into behaviors to cope. Bingeing and purging started happening and I was constantly thinking about food.  I eventually went against medical advice and started running because I thought if I could just get active again that I could start controlling the bingeing and purging. If I’m active, I don’t freak out as much about keeping food down. So, I ignored the pain and discomfort from my healing inscision and started playing my sports and running more. I was trying so hard to break that binge and purge cycle. And yet, all I could think about all day was how I wanted to do it. I recall one day just sobbing in my bed and praying so hard for the ability to stop thinking about food. I cried myself asleep and woke up to a text from my dear friend who has supported me a lot with eating. We love each other so much but our lives are so busy that we go long stretches without talking. She asked if I was okay. I just replied “no, I’m actually not” and she wrote back and said that she figured. And then she told me that she had a prompting to text me because I needed help. And I just started crying because I had prayed for help and almost immediately my prayer was answered. She offered to get together and talke and talking with her helped so much and gave me the resolve to break that cycle and get back on track. And just as I’m getting things in control and the ankle is healing up, I take a shoulder to the face and hit my head on the ground at soccer and then a few days later take an elbow to the face which knocked me out and broke my nose at volleyball. I ended up with a concussion that left me practically in bed all day for a week with massive headache, dizziness, and nausea on top of a super tender nose. It was awful. The saving grace with my ED was that I was too sick to eat and slept most the time so during that time down I wasn’t too bothered by it until I was well enough to get back into my normal life again. I was again becoming aware of weight gain and that made me upset. So I’d eat and then wish that I could purge. But I’m trying so hard to stay away from that. So I’ve been trying some different techniques that do seem to be helping with dealing with the anxiety and getting past that urge to purge. As soon as I was starting to heal up from the concussion and broken nose we took a motorcycle trip to Moab. It was my husbands first real ride back. And at the end of the last day riding the trails I took a tumble down a rock ledge staircase after crashing while trying to ride up them. I rolled to the bottom and my bike followed and hit me. I sprained my right knee and popped a bursa in the knee and also sprained a finger and was covered in bruises. Again, that put me out for a few days but because I have been so afraid of falling back into the binge and purge cycle I started running and playing on it and ignoring the pain about a week after. My workouts do so much for keeping my eating on track. I couldn’t risk what would happen if I was down for too long. So, now I’m at this place where I’m mostly healed up and back to running and sports and workouts daily or sometimes 2 or 3 times daily. And I’m trying to lose the weight I’ve put on during this crazy time of stress and injuries. It seems I’m either eating too little or too much. I’ve been on edge since Halloween because its that time of year where treats and parties and food are all around. I’m just trying so hard to make it to the new year where things go back to normal again. I just wanted to say that yes, I’m still struggling, but yes, I’m still working at recovery. Setbacks will happen, but I never give up. I’m hoping as I try some new approaches that some things will click in my brain and stick. I have to just keep trying. I know that the Lord is very aware of my struggle and as I’ve said many times, even though I fall into ruts and feel awful and quit praying and reading my scriptures and kinda become distracted from Him. He still never gives up on me. Proof being how my pleading for help was immediately answered by my friend texting me. I know that I matter and that He loves me. And I know I can figure out how to find the balance I need eventually. THIS IS RECOVERY.

How in the heck do you make lemonade?

It seems that every time I’ve been working so hard to get in a good healthy groove that I am given another hurdle to jump over. In my last post I was struggling through the restrict, binge, purge cycle and trying to get out. I was trapped in that for what seemed like forever. I had a constant headache and sore throat and mouth. My tummy bloated out. I had broken capillaries around my eyes. My stomach always burned. But those symptoms weren’t the worst. The worst were the mental symptoms. I felt completely detached from the real world. I felt dishonest, sneaky, guilty, and so very lonely. I felt like there was a retaining wall that was holding back all the happiness in my life, not allowing it to reach me. I was drowning in negative energy. I’d go a few days without purging. But would find myself alone and my only thoughts were of food. And I’d plan a binge and purge. It takes such a toll on not just your physcial body, but on your mental and emotional state. I just wanted to crawl into bed and never come out. But how do you do that when you have kids and a husband? You can’t. So you go about it all. Being physically there. Smiling, talking. But mentally, in your own world of hell. That hell, I grow so tired of it. I’m too competitive in nature to let it keep me there for long. So, I start praying. Please, help me eat enough, but not too much. Please, help me keep it down even if it feels like too much. Please, help me to do this so I can feel happy again. Please help me to focus on being healthy and strong. Please, Please, Please………. And, one day, it got easier. That dark around me was thinning and I was seeing through it and I was starting to feel those happy moments again. I was getting up early and hiking with my friend because I wanted to and because it was fun and because it made me feel strong. And it helped me eat breakfast when I got home because I knew I was already in the negative calorie wise. After breakfast I’d usually go for a run, lift weights,  play basketball, or do yard work and then I could eat lunch. And sometimes I’d even play a sport or go for a walk at night. Being very active made it okay for me to eat and keep it down. I was in a great spot here for a few weeks. I was happy. Was actually emotionally present with me kids and husband. I felt balanced and in control of my life and health. I was so happy to be done with the vomiting too. I was doing great.

Then, life handed me lemons. My husband and I went trail running up in the mountains near our home las Thursday evening. It was a challenging and gorgeous 4 mile loop. The next day he suggested we take another date up there on our dirt bikes and ride for a couple hours. I couldn’t resist. It had been awhile since I’d taken my bike out. We had the older kids watch the younger and said we’d be back for a late dinner. The ride up was so fun. When we got to the top of the mountain a slight sprinkle turned into a downpouring of rain after the flash of lightning and crack of thunder. We stopped under a pine tree and decided to wait it out. The rain turned to hail and back to rain again and slowed for a moment. We decided to head further up the mountain to a parking lot with some bathroooms for better cover. On our way there the rain got worse. The trails turned into slick mud. It was hard to see and hard to stay upright. I crashed several times and even got stuck and had to wait for my husband to come back and help me. We were soaked and covered in mud. We finally made it to cover and waited about 20 min for the rain to slow. We talked over our options. He could go back for the truck but would leave me waiting for him for about an hour. Or we could try a different way back. I decided we could try the different way back and ride down together. I’m not a quitter and the thought of sitting there freezing until he came back wasn’t appealing. So, off we went. The first half of the trail was quite fun. Very muddy but was enjoyable. Then, it started to rain again. The trails had run off water running down them and were like mudslides. I went around a corner and fishtailed. I thought I had pulled it off but suddenly, both tires slid out from under me and I went down hard. I landed on the side of the trail in the tall grass. My right foot however was trapped and twisted between a tree root and my motorcycle. I screamed out as it popped. I couldn’t get the bike off and my hubby jumped and lifted it off as I yelled a bunch of Mormon swear words. “Gosh dang it. Ouch! I’ve freaking messed up my ankle!” I had had sprains before. None had been this painful. I knew it was either a very bad sprain or I might have broken it. I tried to get up and was struggling and my hubby told me not to rush it. Take some time to get over the shock. I waited another minute and said, we gotta get down this mountain before the adrenaline wears off. I’m gonna be hurting real bad soon. So he helped me climb back on and off I went as fast as I dared but slow enough that if I crashed again it would hurt as bad. I had to hang my foot out because it hurt to feel the vibrations of the bumps and engine if I used the foot peg. I then crashed into a tall embankment to the left. Pinning my left thigh in between a log and my bike. I was trying to get out when my hubby came upon me. I knew I would have an awful bruise there soon. I slipped and slid as slow as I could down the slimey trails. I was so tired and tense and hurting. I was so glad to finally see the parking lot. We were covered in mud. Soaked to the bone. But we’d made it. I took my motorcycle gear off. As I took my right boot off, I cringed in pain. My ankle was already so swollen and bruises were starting to show. We went home and showered and rushed to an urgent care clinic. X-rays were taken and the verdict was an avulsion fracture and torn ligaments in the ankle. An avulsion fracture is when a ligament pulls a piece of the bone away from where it attaches to the bone. So, I’m now on day 3 of crutches and a pressure boot. Let me tell ya, taking care of twin babies while on crutches is not very possible.  It completely sucks. I’ve had to ask more of my older kids in every area. Housework, babysitting, cooking, etc. It’s been such a pain. Worst of all, my active lifestyle has been completely wrecked. And ED is getting louder. You better not eat if you can’t run or even walk. Sitting on your butt with that leg up is only making you fat. You are gonna gain so much weight. Everything you worked for is going to be ruined.

I have at least 5 more weeks of healing if not longer. Sigh. How do I make freaking lemonade with these lemons?!

 

Cycling around

So, remember that weight loss competition I had to win? Well, I won it. No shocker there really. I dropped 25 pounds and 4 pant sizes in 8 weeks. Then lost 5 more pounds and 1 more pant size after that. I am back into my normal size 4 jeans. It feels good, although, some of my jeans don’t fit as well as I like. Even though I weigh the same as I did before my last 3 kids, my fat to muscle ratio isn’t the same. I’m more mushy. I lost so much muscle tone being on moderate bed rest with the twins. I’ve got work to do. And I need to do it more healthy. I’ve had some set backs with my health and my recovery. At the end of February I was having debilitating back pain. I was still running and working out through it but one day it got so bad I had to stop for a few days. Then my twins got RSV and had to be hospitalized. I lost 5 pounds during that week. It wasn’t intentional. The stress just made it happen. After the twins were getting healthy and were home again I went to a spine specialist and found out that I had a herniated disk in my lower back. I was told I could no longer run or work out until it was healing. Being told that, FREAKED ME OUT! I cut back on my calorie intake to make up for the missed work outs.  I started physical therapy. It was a rough time for me. And I became overcome with anxiety. I had a few moments where I broke the no running rule because I couldn’t handle it. And I also found myself stuck in the restrict, binge, purge, restrict, binge, purge cycle. I’d try so hard to get out of it, but just as I felt like I was getting out I’d fall back in. After 4 weeks I was given the okay to exercise again and I thought it would help. But the habits were still hard to break. I was dealing with heavy emotions at the first part of April due to it being the 2nd anniversary of losing my son. Then with Easter and all the treats that comes with it.  I found myself binging and purging once a day for 4 days straight. By yesterday morning I was feeling pretty awful mentally. Thinking about food and exercise was controling my life. And physically I was dizzy, having stomach pains, feeling weak, and had a constant headache. I knew I needed to stop.  But still, I ended up bingeing. I really didn’t want to purge and tried not to. But I felt so awful and just had to. I told myself I would start fresh in the morning. This morning I have had a protein bar for breakfast. I ate it slowly. Every time I’m trying to pull out of a B&P episode I have to be very careful. The fear that eating will trigger another binge is always there. It makes it very hard to eat. But my protein bars and shakes feel safe. I’m sure they will be the majority of my meals for awhile as I work to find a balance again. So, here I am. Still working at recovery. I have hope for the future. I have to. And I know that at some point, I’ll find a good groove again. THIS IS RECOVERY.